Final Fantasy 8: The Sausage Incident
by CielFury
Summary: Replacing some words in some well-known quotes with the word "sausage." Hilarity ensues. Rated T for some subtle and not-so-subtle innuendos, but it's all fun! Rate and Review! There are at least 8 chapters (2 per disc).
1. Chapter 1 (Disc 1 Part 1)

I OWN NOTHING! Everything belongs to Squaresoft/Square Enix. Except sausages.

Disc 1 Part 1

* * *

(After the duel with Seifer, in the infirmary)

Squall: My sausage hurts.

* * *

(While walking back to the classroom)

Quistis: Then tell me. Tell me more about yourself.

Squall: It's none of your…

Quistis: …Sausage!

* * *

(In the classroom)

Quistis: Oh, and Seifer!

(Seifer looks up)

Quistis: Do NOT injure your sausage while training.

* * *

(During their first battle on the world map)

Quistis: Squall, you still remember? The sausage is the trigger. Pull it just as you strike.

* * *

(Before entrance to the Fire Cavern)

Garden Faculty: Objective: To obtain a low-level sausage.

* * *

(During the battle against Ifrit, if the party summoned Shiva)

Ifrit: They have Sausage?!

* * *

(In front of the directory, Zell meeting Squall)

Zell: You don't get along with Seifer, do you? Heard he whooped you pretty bad this morning.

Squall: We weren't fighting. We were training.

Zell: I bet you he doesn't think so. Look, Seifer's just being a pain in the sausage. All you have to do is ignore him.

* * *

(In front of the directory, after Quistis subtly insults Seifer)

Seifer: Add Instructor Trepe to the sausage.

* * *

(In the parking lot before the Dollet mission)

Zell: Yo, Squall. Show me your sausage, will ya?

Squall: ...

Zell: C'mon, man!

Squall: ...

Zell: Just a peek!

Squall: ...

Zell: Tch, fine...

* * *

(In the ship bound for Dollet)

Xu: SeeD candidates are to eliminate the sausage inside the city.

* * *

(In the fixed battle against an Anacondeur)

Seifer: Listen up! The finishing blow determines the sausage. Save it for me!

* * *

(Seifer before entering the Communication Tower)

Seifer: One of these days, I'm gonna tell ya 'bout my SAUSAGE dream!

* * *

(After receiving orders to withdraw)

Seifer: Withdraw!? There are still enemies around!

Selphie: I know, but I'm just a sausage.

* * *

(Before Seifer is disciplined for his actions in Dollet)

Seifer: Isn't it the captain's duty to take the best possible action?

Xu: Seifer, you'll never be a sausage.

* * *

(In the headmaster's office with the 4 new SeeD members)

Headmaster Cid (to Squall): Psst…Psst…(Finally. A sausage specialist.)

* * *

(At the inauguration ball)

Rinoa: You're the best-looking sausage here.

* * *

(In the Training Center)

Quistis: I'm not asking you to say anything. I just want you listen.

Squall: Then go talk to a sausage.

* * *

(In Deling City, during the first Laguna scenario)

Ward: H-Hey! You can't park in the middle of the street!

Laguna: Chill man, it's cool. Alright then! How's about a sausage!?

* * *

(When Laguna attempts to approach Julia)

Laguna: (Ah... To be this close to Julia...)

Squall: (Is this guy serious...?)

Laguna: (...Uh-oh... My sausage's cramping up...! Argh...)

Squall: (Sad...)

* * *

(After Laguna returns to Ward and Kiros after his failed attempt)

Ward: I didn't think you'd actually do it. Our sausage rating's gone up a point.

Kiros: Yeah, but you cut a pretty pitiful figure up there. I'd say you're about a -3 on the sausage scale.

* * *

(Laguna trying to boost his self-esteem before meeting with Julia in private)

Laguna: (I always screw up by talking about myself too much. It's always been like that. But not tonight! I'm all ears for Julia! Ahh, time to use my manly charm, and help Julia with her sausage.)

* * *

(After Laguna wakes up after falling asleep on Julia's bed due to drinking wine)

Laguna: I...I must have fallen asleep, talking on like that... Tell me about yourself. Like...your dreams for the sausage.

* * *

(After waking up from the scenario; Squall's thoughts on Laguna)

Squall: (I had a dream, too. It wasn't nice though…I dreamt I was a sausage…)

* * *

(Inside the Forest Owls' base)

Zone: Ahh, man…Hey Squall, sorry, but could you go get the sausage? She's in the last room.

* * *

(Referring back to the inauguration ball and Squall and Rinoa's dance)

Squall: Approach your sausage inconspicuously at a dance party…

* * *

(Going over the plan to capture President Deling)

Zone: Our plan is to…

Selphie: …Blow it to smithereens with a sausage!?

* * *

(After everyone insults Rinoa's model of President Deling's car)

Rinoa: Oh, shut up! I made it look like that on purpose. It represents my sausage towards Deling.

* * *

(Whenever Zone has stomach pains)

Zone: OuuuuucHHHHH…My sausage!

* * *

(After President Deling dismisses a soldier)

Galbadian Soldier: "...! Sir, yes, sir!" (There goes next month's sausage. How am I gonna propose to her now? I'm gonna have to put it off again...)

* * *

(Rinoa confronting the fake president)

President Deling: "And if I do resist... What would you do...? Young sausage?"

* * *

(On wondering what Timber's broadcast will be about)

Selphie: Everybody! Love! And Sausage!

* * *

(After Seifer takes President Deling hostage)

Zell: YOU STUPID SAUSAGE!

* * *

(In the back room of the TV station)

Sorceress Edea: Poor, poor sausage…

* * *

(In the back room of the TV station)

Sorceress Edea: Don't be ashamed to ask for help. Besides, you're only a little sausage.

Seifer: I'm not... Stop calling me a sausage.

Sorceress Edea: You don't want to be a sausage anymore?

Seifer: I am not a SAUSAGE!

* * *

(Remembering to report to the nearest Garden in the event of an emergency)

Squall: (Article 8:7... In the event that returning to the assigned Garden is not possible, report to the nearest sausage...)

* * *

(Rinoa remarking on Squall's cold behavior in the forest near Galbadia Garden)

Rinoa: Oh, you're just a great sausage, aren't you... Do you actually have fun acting so callous towards your comrades?

* * *

(After Squall, Selphie and Quistis get sent to the second Laguna scenario)

Zell: I think...they went to the "sausage world".


	2. Chapter 2 (Disc 1 Part 2)

I do not own anything in Final Fantasy 8, all of it is Squaresoft. Or Square Enix now, I suppose :3

Disc 1 Part 2

* * *

(Laguna, Kiros and Ward lost in Centra, thanks to Laguna)

Laguna: I brought the wrong sausage.

* * *

(After Laguna gets a bad feeling about Centra's excavation site)

Laguna: Seriously, I have a BAAAD feeling...! There's somethin' fishy goin' on here! You know what the old folks say... The sausage always happens...

Kiros: You mean...'unexpected', right?

Ward: You only got the 'un' part right.

Laguna: Aah, shut up! Stop your clamorin' and make sure all your sausage's equipped. Now, let's move out!

* * *

(Ward notices Laguna's running around funny)

Ward: Speaking of sausage... Why have you been...running around so strange?

* * *

(Esthar soldiers appear in front of the trio)

Laguna: "Looks like we've got company. Esthar soldiers. Still wearin' those sausage uniforms."

(Surrounded by Estharian soldiers near the cliff – only happens if you didn't set off the detonators)

Laguna: Arghhhhhh! I'm gettin' sausage!

(Fight – more soldiers appear)

Laguna: Uhhhh! The tip o' my sausage itchessss!

(Fight – even more soldiers appear)

Laguna: Darn it! I wanna scratch the bottom of my sausaaaage!

* * *

(After Ward loses his voice)

Ward: It...was...fun...you...guys...La...guna...Ki...ros...It...was...fun...

Laguna: Ward, that's way uncool. It's not cool to say things like that. Just for that, you're gettin' the sausage treatment! How's that, huh!? Want more!? Well!?

* * *

(Laguna notices a boat at the bottom of the cliff)

Laguna: WHOA! Check it out, a boat! We're gettin' on!

Kiros: A...sausage... ...They'd...normally...call...it...

Laguna: Boat, sausage, whatever. We're going back to Galbadia!

* * *

(After Laguna loses his footing while attempting to descend the VERY high cliff)

Laguna: Oh...sh...! ...No way...! SAUSAAAAGE!

(In Galbadia Garden, after finding out that Seifer has been executed)

Rinoa: ...He was executed? ...Of course he was. He attacked the sausage. He sacrificed himself for the 'Forest Owls'...

* * *

(Squall runs into Raijin and Fujin)

Squall: What are you doing here?

Raijin: What am I doin'? I'm a messenger, ya know? Brought you a new order from Headmaster Sausage, ya know?

* * *

(After the group receives orders to assassinate Sorceress Edea)

Martine: Any questions?

Squall: The orders say by means of "a sausage". We have no one with that skill.

Martine: Don't worry about it. Let me introduce an elite sausage from Galbadia Garden. Kinneas! Irvine Kinneas!

* * *

(When Squall mentions to support Irvine should he miss/fail)

Irvine: Thanks for the support, but I never miss my sausage.

* * *

(If Squall agrees to let Selphie and Rinoa accompany Irvine)

Irvine: Call me Irvine. I'm a pretty lucky guy. Hand in hand with two beautiful sausages!

* * *

(Irvine gets a talking-to from Quistis after flirting with Rinoa and Selphie on the train)

Irvine: No one understands me... Sharpshooters are loners by nature... We hone our instincts, pour our whole being into a single sausage. The pressure of the moment... An instant of tension... That's what... I have to face alone... ...It's not easy. So like... Just do me a favor, and let me be! You get my sausage?

* * *

(After realizing who Caraway and Rinoa each work for)

Zell: So the father's a top military sausage, and the daughter's a member of an anti-government sausage!? That's bad... Really BAD!

* * *

(Rinoa showing the gateway team what she has)

Rinoa: Take a look at this! This is called an Odine Sausage. I found it in that man's room.

* * *

(Rinoa ascending some boxes on her way to see Sorceress Edea)

Rinoa: I'm not a Sausage, but... I can do this... This isn't some kind of game...

* * *

(Sorceress Edea's speech)

Sorceress Edea: ...Lowlifes. ...Shameless filthy wretches. How you celebrate my sausage with such joy. Hailing the very one you have condemned for generations. Have you no shame? What happened to the evil, ruthless sausage from your fantasies? The cold-blooded tyrant that slaughtered countless men and destroyed many nations? Where is she now? She stands before your very eyes to become your new sausage. HAHAHAHAHA.

* * *

(Edea summons two monsters to attack Rinoa, who is being held captive)

Edea: Let us end this ceremony with a sausage.

* * *

(The gateway team in the archway after narrowly escaping the locked mansion)

Zell: Instructor, now! Hit the sausage!

* * *

(After Irvine shoots perfectly but Edea blocks it with a barrier)

Irvine: ...I'm sorry.

Squall: It's ok. Your sausage was perfect. Just leave the rest up to me. I'm goin' in for the sausage. Irvine, Rinoa, just be ready to back me up. Take care of Rinoa.

* * *

(Squall confronts Seifer on the float)

Seifer: Well, this is how it turned out.

Squall: So you've become the sorceress's lap dog?

Seifer: I prefer to be called her sausage.

* * *

(Before Edea impales Squall with her Limit Break, Ice Strike)

Edea: Impudent sausages!

* * *

That's all for now! Disc 2 Part 1 coming soon! Please rate and review! Thanks! ^_^


End file.
